B is for "Borderline Personality Disorder"

yeah, yeah, this damn thing again :/

so what is boderline personality disorder you say? well if you want the text book answer, here in an expert taken from the National Institute of Mental Health:

"Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive ill

ness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women.¹ There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases.^2,3 Patients often need extensive mental health services, and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations.⁴ Yet, with help, many improve over time and are eventually able to lead productive lives"

you can learn more about Borderline Personality disorder by visiting: National Institute of Mental Health-Borderline Personality Disorder

but i am not a text book...

a lot of people like to make reference to the movie "Girl Interrupted" starring Winona Ryder and Angelina Jolie for borderline personality disorder. in the movie, Ryder's character "Susanna" voluntarily checks herself in to a mental hospital after trying to commit suicide.

i and many others who go through the hell of daily living with BPD find this movie to be...an extremely "glamorized" version of what this illness is really like.

it was a very long time before we actually knew what was "wrong" with me. i spent many, many years in and out of facilities being misdiagnosed and mis-medicated for schizophrenia, and bi-polar disorder. while many of the the things that people living with BPD go through may seem like they are schizophrenic or bi-polar, those are just fragments of the whole.

one of the things that suffers greatly because of my disorder is my social relationships. in the blink of an eye, i can go from happiness, to despair, to outgoing, then lonely, and suicidal and i never know what sets me off. for the most part, it is self-doubt that turns in to self-loathing that turns in to...i don't know what.

i feel like i am a monster, jeckyl and hyde. and i know it makes me difficult to tolerate sometimes but yet there isn't really much i can do to stop it. that in and of itself plays in to my feelings of paranoia, wondering if i make people's ass hurt with all of my drama.

ah well, it is who i am and all i know how to be. :/

references taken from www.iMDb.com and the National Institute of mental health