in a world full of people i feel so alone...

i suppose that says it all. if you want to know how to clear a room, be sad. it's boring and people just aren't interested.

making memories

went with mom today to have her MRI. it was so weird being the one waiting. usually the roles are reversed and she is the one waiting for me while i have my kidneys checked. now i know the worry that she feels.
today my mom seemed to have a bit of energy. she is taking to her pain medication well and after her MRI she said she wanted to go have some fun. so kace and i decided to play hooky from work and school and do something with her today. she chose going to the movies and anyone who knows me, knows that i hate going to the movie theater!!! asking me to go to the movies would get the same response from me as if you said "i just pissed on you" ::shiver:: but i fought through my germ phobia and we went to see "Bad Teacher". it was a really funny movie and i don't know why, but every time my mom would laugh i would close my eyes and take it in and burn it in to my memory. we ate candy and junk food and all kinds of things we weren't supposed to. we had a pretty good day.

we are all really trying to stay optimistic. so many people have shared their inspiring stories of family members that have had some form of cancer or another and have gone through treatment and done really well. my boss even said that 2 years ago she also had a mass removed from her breast, she had a mastectomy, did the treatments and is doing really well. and she is because had she not told me, i would have never known she was a breast cancer survivor.
my biggest fear is that mom waited too long :/ her doctor told us that invasive ductal carcinoma is one of the most common forms of breast cancer that women get but i can't help but get my mind stuck on the fact that he was so concerned about her pain and there is something that keeps whispering in my ear that i need to spend as much time with her as i can.

into the unknown

i feel so restless today :/ so much pain and anger and helplessness...and no where to turn at the moment so i'm here to vent and cry and bleed.
Tuesday will forever be the worst day of my life. not because of stupid shit that went down on facebook. in the grand scheme of things it means nothing to us now. June 21, 2011 is the day we were told my mom has breast cancer. i believe the technical term is invasive ductal carcinoma but it sounds so much more scarier when you say it like that.

My mom has been sick off and on for a long time now. looking back i think we all wish we were a lot more forceful in trying to get her to go see a doctor but it's too late now. My mom has always been in to holistic medicine so she would get to feeling really bad she would go to the holistic treatment center, get cleansed, take some vitamins, eat some damn roots or berries and drink some "special" water and she would actually look and feel better. So none of us pressed because we thought she was better and she would be back to her old self for a long time and i would think well maybe she just had like a bug or something ya' know? and then she got sick again and did the same thing, and got better again. That time i think my dad and i were a little more leery but she seemed to bounce back and recover, look so healthy that i think we were more willing to let it go than to believe that anything could be wrong with her.
She didn't tell us that there was pain until i guess it became so unbearable for her that she could no longer hide it :( she hurts in her arms and legs and all of her bones. My dad finally took her to the doctor and they have known for a week that she has masses in her breast and lymph nodes. They didn't tell us that they did a biopsy until they got the results and then on tuesday they finally told us what was happening with mom. i thought for some reason when we went over there for dinner that night that she was going to tell us that she had fibromyalgia. i don't know why i thought that. i guess because when kace and i were there for father's day she seemed so weak and painful that is what came to my mind. i never in my wildest dreams thought of cancer.

and now i just feel numb. today i went with her to the oncologist. we talked about her treatment plan and she is set to have a double mastectomy and radiation. but there are concerns. Her doctor had set up an MRI for her last week because he was concerned about her as well. that is tomorrow and they hope to have the results and a good prognosis for mom by the time she has her surgery next friday.
now i don't know what to do. all i could do today was tell her how much i loved her and try to be optimistic and brave. i just wanted to scream and cry but i couldn't because i had to hold it together for my little sister. i know she is so scared. we all are. if anything happens to my mom, i don't know how my dad will go on.
for the past day or so i have felt like any minute now i will wake up and this won't be real. i feel like a shell. i am so thankful at this moment for my partner because i don't know that i would have remembered to try to eat or that i would have made an effort to sleep.
i actually feel somewhat gathered in my thoughts now that i have actually written them out. i think maybe now i will go for a walk.

getting to know you...

today was a long day. i had my second day of summer classes and group therapy again today. it's weird having to shift my schedule around for school because i am a creature of strict routine. when something changes, it makes me panic and feel oddly out of sorts for the entire day.

i had another really good therapy session today. :) learning, growing, strengthening!

so, people with borderline personality disorder kind of have a hard time with relationships. not just like the dating kind, but all of them, dating, friendships, interaction with co-workers etc... we addressed that today by working on what it is we fear the most about relationships.

my biggest fear is not "connecting" with people. some people are just natural conversationalists. and i am SO envious of that. i am fully aware that i am crap when it comes to the art of small talk and knowing that puts me in to such a stressful state.

today i came to the realization that because i don't do the whole small talk thing well, i hardly know anything about the people i call friends at all. how embarrassing! :/ i also tend to seem like i "forget" or "ignore" people when really i just don't know what to say or when they haven't said anything to me, because of low self-esteem i was always afraid to just go and say "hi" because what if they don't really want to talk to me...or what if they don't respond, did they not see it or am i being rejected?...and so on and so forth in my head until it gets bigger and bigger and avoidance becomes the only answer. so i take the easy way out and speak when people speak to me or comment on something someone has already said or only say something directly to someone when i feel like i have something worthy of speaking about. it is not in my nature to initiate conversation.

i have also been told that in conversation i have a tendency to focus on myself. i have learned by meeting people in group that this is something that is pretty common among people with BPD. we just talk about what we know, which is us, because of our disorder we end up spending a great deal of time alone so that is what we have.

so, i want to get to know you. i know hardly anyone reads this blog so if i even get one response i will mark that down as an accomplishment :) you can answer here or on my fb page.

1. who are you? Brandon

2. where you named after anyone? i have my great-grandfather's middle name.

3. do you have kids? how many? no, and some day you'll thank me for that. you're welcome!

4. what is the first thing you notice about people? idk why but i have a tendency to look at people's mouths o_O

5. what is your favorite food? i love Indian food!

6. salty or sweet? i like the combination of both but if i had to pick one or the other i like salty.

7. do you speak any other languages? icelandic and spanish fluently and a few others a little bit.

8. do you have a special talent? (making things counts as well) i am a classically trained musician. i have also discovered i have a talent for soap making :)

9. do you have any pets? 3 dogs and a bunch of koi fish that live in my pond do those count as pets? we named them.

10. do you have any phobias? ummm...people lol. and wet bread. yeah i'm in therapy tyvm!

11. name one weird thing about you? (can be something you like to do, something you like to eat, etc...) i won't eat things that are white. i write the date that i bought something on all food products that come in to the house, and i have a piecing that you don't know about :P

12. do you have a favorite song? it changes daily. right now it's "black sheep" by metric. tomorrow it will be something else and on a completely different side of the musical spectrum.

13. do you have a nickname? BB. my sister has called me that ever since i was a baby.

14. do you have any special abilities or disabilities? uh...besides BPD, i can move things with my mind. ok not really but wouldn't it be sweet if i could?!?

15. are you married? divorced? single? don't go there? married ;)

16. what do you do for a living? i am the online content coordinator for a local radio station.

17. if they named a ben and jerry's ice cream after you, what would it be called? what would it have in it? it would be called "chocolate salty balls" >_< and it would have chocolate covered pretzel balls in it. there would also be a white chocolate version. lol!

18. what is your least favorite food? eggs!! omg it's a chicken's period!!! blech!

19. how tall are you? ok funny but true story. i always used to think i was 5'9" but i'm actually only 5'7" 1/2 :O holy farking unaccounted for 2 inches batman! i was at my 6 month check up and my doctor says "Brandon, you are not 5'9"" and i'm like wth?!?! he is 5'10" and i'm noticeably shorter than he is so we measured me :P ah well i make up for it in other places ;)

20. do you drink or smoke? i drink on occasion but not much these days. i am now 2 months smoke free :)

catching up...

i've been in sort of a strange mood today, restless yet feeling a little too funky to do anything about it. so, i thought i'd come here and blow the dust off the old blog. writing sometimes helps settle my nerves.

life over the past month has been...interesting. i finally got married! ok so not married in the traditional sense, but we had a handfasting ceremony and it was very small and simple and sweet which kind of pissed my mom off because she wanted to plan this huge elaborate shindig lol we both just weren't in to having all the pomp and circumstance. he said he knew he wanted to be with me forever the day we met and i shot him down in the bar, i knew i wanted to be with him forever the day we had our first fight and he looked me in the eye and said "i love you, you little shit, stop pushing me away!" as he stormed out of the house i thought to myself, hot damn i love that guy! no need for all the blah blah blah it was already a done deal.

therapy is going pretty good. i feel like i'm really taking in things more this time and getting better everyday. as i gain clarity and understanding, i have to laugh to myself when i think of some of the things that were said to me in the past regarding "validation" and i think "wow, you were so wrong about that, fu@ker! way to make yet another thing about you". of course only i will know exactly what i mean by that but sometimes it's good to have inside jokes. ;)

i actually signed up for summer classes as UT!!

after getting my first degree last may, if you would have asked me if i would ever go back i would have given a resounding "HELLS NO!" attending classes and everything that going to college entailed was such a stressful experience. i managed to get through it with really great profs and although schedule and time are issues that i am working through, sometimes i find repetition a little soothing. so, by the graces it all worked out for me over the last 5 years.

i had my first job review. yup, that'r right i have actually held down a job for going on 6 months! people who know me sometimes wonder why i even have a job. it's the little personal accomplishments that make a huge difference to me. some people will never get how huge being stable enough to hold down gainful employment is to someone like me. to have someone tell you that you are doing a good job and to have your peers say that they enjoy having you there is...omg, it's as wonderful as eating chocolate and having and orgasm at the same time!! :D

in other strange turn of events, my parents are now fostering my friend Jaimie's son. she ended up in jail after getting busted living in a house where meth was being made. ordinarily i would just shake my head and walk away from this whole mess but it's kind of a horrible situation and i felt compelled to get involved somehow :/

Jaime is a girl that i kind of know well. we don't really hang out or anything but to be honest i don't really hang out with anybody. we met ages ago through a mutual friend and when we first met i really liked her. if you ever get to know me well you will find out that i am quiet and extremely mischievous! she used to be the one who was all gung ho about helping me carry out my devious practical jokes and we had a lot of fun together. we have different lives though and hers was one that lead her to changing boyfriends like people change underwear, forever being pregnant by different men, partying, not taking care of the kids and so on. we stopped hanging out because...well frankly because i became a recluse...but even so those things drifted us apart as friends. over the years i still helped her out a lot financially. i think if anybody actually knew how much they would think i was insane.

in the end, her crazy lifestyle and poor choice in "boyfriend of the month" has landed her in jail for a very long time. she is currently pregnant so maybe she won't have to stay as long, but in the meantime she has two children that are now without their mother. her youngest child is now with baby daddy #2. rather his family stepped up and is now taking care of her because he himself is a lowlife deadbeat.

the saddest part of this whole story is her oldest child Cody had no where to go. his father is m.i.a. and there is no family to speak of as his father's father is in prison and no one else will take him in. he has a disorder called voluntary encopresis. in his case, it is a mental disorder that causes him to soil himself even though he knows perfectly well how to use the bathroom. he also smears feces on things. :/ no one wanted to deal with that and so they were all willing to let him rot somewhere. i couldn't stand it. i knew i couldn't very well in my mental state take care of this child but i couldn't leave him either.

i've said it a million times but my parents are wonderful. they didn't even hesitate when i explained the whole sordid mess to them. i felt bad for them having to go through all of the stuff with cps but really they are perfect for him. they have had lots of experience dealing with a child with mental health issues as well as acting out behavior. it has been a rocky start but they are coping with everything well. i went to spend a little of my day with all of them and you can kind of tell that he is happy but you can also see that he is very guarded. i understand that he has been tossed around from one unstable environment to the next and probably doesn't want to get his hopes up. i know this sounds shitty but i hope his mother doesn't get out of jail for a long time this way he actually has a chance.

God doesn't shout, he whispers, and in the whisper is the way...

i'm a little disappointed that i didn't get to complete the A to Z blog challenge but there has been so much going on in the last few weeks it was hard to keep focus.

to top it all off, i decided to quit smoking. one day i ran out of cigarettes and was kind of busy and never got around to getting more, then the next day i had a shitty day and didn't want to get out of bed and so on and so forth until i realized it had been a few days and i hadn't been smoking. today marks my 3 weeks no smoking and 5 days no cutting. two major addictions that i am determined to take control over.

the good news is that i didn't quit group after all. i did, however, change the time of day in which i was going and that has made a huge difference. in the mornings the group is smaller and it feels less stressful to me. the therapist for this group is marvelous! Dr. Sims is very warm and motivating. she uses a lot of humor to help us relax and open up a little but she is also very real and very honest (she reminds me of a few of my fb friends) so it has been a more comfortable experience and i am starting to take an earnest interest in having a life less disheveled.

i know that i will never be able to "fix" the schizophrenia, that part of my brain is fu@ked and wired wrong, but at least i am gaining the skills necessary to deal with emotional regulation, distress tolerance, social awkwardness, paranoia, and dissociative behaviors. geez that sounds bad :/ i've been in therapy for what seems like my entire life but i never really "studied" or took a good long look at what was going on inside my brain. it just seemed weird, like "i KNOW what's happening to me, i don't need YOU to tell me what is happening to me because no damn textbook could EVER begin to describe the HELL that is living with this 'monster' inside you that you cannot control!" i've always been so emotional about that. even now i'm crying because i hate that i am this way.

ok, i had to take a few minutes and collect myself.

The Whisper...

sunday i think i had a bit of a meltdown. i was quite heavily feeling the bitterness of not connecting. sometimes i get angry with myself for not doing better socially and throw that anger all over the place i felt horrible for being lonely and horrible for acting horribly. :/

i know i have said a thousand times how wonderful Kc is but he really is my God send. all of this time i have been waiting for something epic to change my life and instead i was gifted this funny, kind, and patient man. he's not flashy, or dramatic, in fact he's one of the most adorable nerds i have ever met! he's always doing these silly little things that would not seem like a big deal to anyone else but me and the fact that he gets me and the fact that he does these silly little things to give me courage and make me feel good about myself...oh geez, i'm in tears again; i promise this time they are happy tears. :)

so, after having my boyfriend tell me he broke his "no fu@king way will i ever get a facebook" rule so that i would never be lonely on fb and always have someone there i could talk to and then having him come home and sing christina aguilera's"beautiful" to me very, very badly i might add, i realized...maybe i am someone who is worth something...

and then yesterday morning in group something finally clicked and i had my first "ah ha!" moment. after all these years of "being there but not getting it" as my therapist would say, i finally stopped covering my ears and squeezing my eyes shut to the fact that i am capable of handling this!

instead of rebelling against the whole process of "treatment" i'm starting to not only grasp but accept the concept that there are things that i will learn about myself that i may not like and may not be positive (hypersensitive emotions, mood swings, not feeling like i am human, disconnecting...) but with the right set of skills i can learn how to regulate the way i respond to the every day things that most people don't even have to think about.

each session we are given material to read on different skill building exercises. the group is run somewhat like a class so we have a workbook and different assignments. it's weird because when i was dealing with my ex, he would often tell me that his therapist would give him certain things to read up on and such. some of the things i have are similar but in his case he would always make it seem like these were things that i needed to do in order to "validate" him or to work on my communication skills. i guess that is one of the reasons why i fought this so hard in the beginning. he always made it seem like it was some sort of test that i was failing at and i was like "i don't want to do this because i've already failed". now i am learning that maybe the full concept of the assignments may not have been explained properly. idk i'm trying to be open about giving the benefit of the doubt but the way we are learning the same set of skills is far different. we are learning them in a "heal thyself" sort of way. in no way shape or form are we asked to dump all of these expectations on the people around us. instead we learn how to recognize these things within ourselves and use those skills to take control of how we respond to different instances.

Anyway, this week we are learning "mindfulness" so i will have to take that and put it in a box and label it "stupid ex shit that shouldn't bother me anymore" and throw it in the ocean. :)

(ps if you would like to follow along in what i am doing you can visit this website DBT self-help: Life Skills for Emotional Health. this site is one of the best that i have seen so far that clearly outlines each step of dialectical behavior therapy )

for the first time in my life i can see hope. not as a light at the end of a tunnel but as the tunnel actually crumbling and falling away.

V is for "Vanishing"

U is for "Underrated"

lately i've been listening to this wonderful little band called Freelance Whales. you've maybe heard one of their songs, "Generator ^ First Floor", recently in the new Starbuck's "what's your starbuck's signature?" commercial but these guys have been around for a few years.

i had the pleasure of seeing them live last year at Austin's south by southwest music festival and ever since then i have been a huge fan.

they have started to gain a larger following since their music has been featured in several advertisements and television programs. in september 2010, twitter selected Freelance Whales' music as the background for a video introducing a major rework of the service's user experience. the same song, entitled "Generator ^ First Floor", was also used by the NBC show Chuck in its 4th season premiere episode ("Chuck vs. the Anniversary"), which premiered september 20, 2010, as well as by Chevrolet in advertisements for the 2011 Chevy Volt. On October 12, 2010, the song "Broken Horse" appeared in an episode of One Tree Hill ("Nobody Taught Us to Quit"). their song "The Great Estates" was also featured in an episode of the USA show Covert Affairs Season 1. their song "Generator ^ Second Floor" was used on season 5, episode 1 of the British show Skins while "Location" was featured in episode 4. their song "Starring" was used in season 2 My Life as Liz on MTV. (references from wikipedia)

even though they are gaining in popularity, i still consider them underrated. their music is so pure and simple yet brilliant.

T is for the ugly "Truth"

there is something about me that a lot of people don't know. even when i have friends who confide in me about this very same thing, i usually choose not to share.

my horrible secret is that i am a cutter, and the ugly truth is that i have been cutting again.

if you are unfortunate enough to have me as a facebook friend then you have already been forced to suffer through my weekly rants about how much i hate therapy. i know it seemed like a choice i made on my own but if i'm going to come completely clean then i must admit that it wasn't really my idea. several weeks ago ( it could have been 2 weeks, a week, one month) i found myself feeling really, really crushed because of something that happened. on the outside it seemed like i was dealing with it very well. i was able to move on and wash my hands of things. on the inside i was devastated. i don't handle rejection well. :/

people cut for different reasons, i think. some may do it for attention, some to punish themselves, others want to "feel" something when they are otherwise disassociated and numb. i don't know why i do it, but i'm addicted. when i get overwhelmed and stressed and don't know how else to express myself, it is like a release.

currently i am making my third attempt at Dialectical Behavior Therapy. mainly because i usually quit before i can complete it. ever since i can remember i have been in therapy in some form or another. because of the state of my mental health i probably always will. :/

What is dialectical behavior therapy? generally it is said to be the most effective form of therapy for people with borderline personality disorder. it's pretty intense and structured two of the things that i dislike the most.

i want to quit so bad. but i promised my partner and family that i would finish because it is the first step towards gaining my independence in the sense that i could try to get my guardianship dropped. all in all it's not really that bad. i agree that i could definitely use the distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and connecting skills. but some days i just don't want to deal with things. it seems like every freaking day of my life is consumed with this damn mental illness. T is also for "tired".

S is for let's talk about "Sex"

SEX

*gasp!* is a part of our lives that is so complex. it's not just a physical thing; it can also have an emotional and even spiritual effect on us.

sex has always been one of those funny subjects for me. i can laugh and make jokes about it all day long but when it comes down to the personal stuff quite honestly it makes me blush.

i must warn you now that i'm going to write about SEX. so if you're squeamish, you can stop reading now. oh yeah and maybe i need to throw in an "i'm gay!" so this is going to be from my perspective. no Adam and Eve shyte here, tyvm!

so let me come out and admit that i have only had 2 1/2 sexual partners in my whole life. i don't know why i would find that fact kind of embarrassing but i do. don't you think it's kind of odd that there is this unspoken social catch 22 when it comes to sex? if you haven't really been sexually active, people tend to think that you are prude or that there is something wrong with you but if you have been very sexually active people look down on you, and may question your morals. i wonder what the "acceptable" number of people to sleep with is? 4? 7? 11 1/2?

if you've read any of my previous blog posts then you've had the opportunity to get to know me a little more and hopefully have a deeper understanding of who i am and why i am so strange. if you haven't read my blog, "S" is also for screw you. lol

i've kind of touched on the fact that i've had a few issues with the whole sex and sexuality thing. i used to own a lot of real estate in the land of confusion. :P

do you remember your first time? was it good? did you love the person you were with?

my first sexual experience was...interesting. i lost my virginity to a girl (yes!) that i was dating in high school. i was still denying to myself that i was gay but at the same time i can honestly say that i wanted what she gave me. like a total cliché, i lost my virginity in the back seat of my car. i remember at the time i had this sweet 1970 chevy monte carlo. we had just gone to see a few bands play at the SxSW music festival and afterwards we drove out to the cliffs to hang out, smoke out, and look at the Austin lights in the night sky. i wish i could say i remember how we ended up in the back seat but i can tell you she was so pale and beautiful. glowing. not at all like the women that sometimes cause me to have deviously "straight" thoughts these days.

and pink, i remember her bra and panties were lacy and pink like cupcake frosting and she smelled like chanel and weed. even now when i think about that moment the room gets a little warm and i am blushing beyond belief.

since then i hadn't had another truly sexual relationship 'til now. i think i was a little traumatized by the relationship between her and i. there was no love in a sense that was anything more than friendship and i think i was deeply disappointed in myself for that. i strongly feel that as a personal choice i could never have sex with someone i didn't love and trust completely.

i have had two other relationships before the one i am in now, the first is the sexual experience that i guess i consider the "1/2" Matt and i never really had intercourse. oh god i sound like someone's mother talking about this shit! lol there was touching and stuff and junk and things but you don't need to know about that so moving on...

the next relationship was with a guy i met online. we had a long distance relationship so of course there was the lack of physically being with each other. we never did hook up in person. seeing how things turned out and what kind of person he ended up being i am extremely glad we never did. i would have hated myself even more.

when i met my current partner, he was kind of surprised to learn of how little experience with sex i had; he also admits he was a little nervous. i guess it can be a little intimidating if you think that because your partner hasn't been with many people at all or done many things that the way you perform will be the way that he perceives sex. i had a lot of firsts with Kc. my first same sex...umm...sex, my first lip biting, eyes rolling, calling on jesus honest to god orgasm lol and so on and so on... he has definitely helped me to unleash my inner hussy tee hee!

to me sex is more than just two bodies clanging together. giving ourselves to each other, becoming one, learning those things about one another that make our toes curl has become an expression of how much we love and care for each other. <3

i am a very lucky boy in the fact that he is so patient and open to letting me experiment with new things. he indulges my silliness and curiosity so i've been able to have a little naughty fun! :D

tip #1 i will tell you that whipped cream in bed is not sexy! it's sticky and it gets all over things. in your hair on the sheets, in your crack :O i think we spent more time laughing about the whipped cream being a very bad idea than getting any sort of enjoyment out of it.

tip #2 the tongue is the most amazing organ!

and last but not least

tip #3 anything that heats up a little and then gets cool when you blow on it...ooh la la! winky winky! ;)