T is for the ugly "Truth"

there is something about me that a lot of people don't know. even when i have friends who confide in me about this very same thing, i usually choose not to share.

my horrible secret is that i am a cutter, and the ugly truth is that i have been cutting again.

if you are unfortunate enough to have me as a facebook friend then you have already been forced to suffer through my weekly rants about how much i hate therapy. i know it seemed like a choice i made on my own but if i'm going to come completely clean then i must admit that it wasn't really my idea. several weeks ago ( it could have been 2 weeks, a week, one month) i found myself feeling really, really crushed because of something that happened. on the outside it seemed like i was dealing with it very well. i was able to move on and wash my hands of things. on the inside i was devastated. i don't handle rejection well. :/

people cut for different reasons, i think. some may do it for attention, some to punish themselves, others want to "feel" something when they are otherwise disassociated and numb. i don't know why i do it, but i'm addicted. when i get overwhelmed and stressed and don't know how else to express myself, it is like a release.

currently i am making my third attempt at Dialectical Behavior Therapy. mainly because i usually quit before i can complete it. ever since i can remember i have been in therapy in some form or another. because of the state of my mental health i probably always will. :/

What is dialectical behavior therapy? generally it is said to be the most effective form of therapy for people with borderline personality disorder. it's pretty intense and structured two of the things that i dislike the most.

i want to quit so bad. but i promised my partner and family that i would finish because it is the first step towards gaining my independence in the sense that i could try to get my guardianship dropped. all in all it's not really that bad. i agree that i could definitely use the distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and connecting skills. but some days i just don't want to deal with things. it seems like every freaking day of my life is consumed with this damn mental illness. T is also for "tired".

Q is For "Quirks"

quirk (kwirk)

n.

1. A peculiarity of behavior; an idiosyncrasy: "Every man had his own quirks and twists" (Harriet Beecher Stowe).

the other day in therapy to kind of lighten the mood we talked about quirks. some can be kind of silly, some can be beneficial or make improvements in the way we get things done, and some can be down right bizarre!! do you insist on the toilet paper being "over" or "under"? dot your "i's" with smiley faces? have a secret collection of toenail clippings? well you are not alone! (well maybe on the toenail thing )

my sister has this thing where she raps her knuckles on the dashboard three times before she starts her car. she says it's "for luck", i say she's inherited a bit of the ol' McPhee crazy gene!

point is, everybody has that one (or several) little strange thing about them that has to be "just so". those little things are what make us unique and perhaps a little odd at times. so the group therapist asked us to write down a list of our quirks and share them with each other. it was a little weird because most of the time we don't really think of the things we're doing, we just do them and it was kind of scary to see how many little character quirks i really had!

we also learned how to talk about our quirks and accept them and even laugh at them in a way that was positive. i have to say it was actually kind of a fun day in the great big pile of suck that is group therapy.

so here is my list. don't laugh. i know you're laughing!

Brandon's List of Oddities:

1. when taking bread from a loaf i will not take the first 2-3 pieces. i don't know why, but they are poison.

2. i used to be an extreme clean freak and germaphobe. since moving in with my partner though, i've been forced to learn not let disarray set my teeth on edge. Kc is not nearly as concerned about the candle being exactly 47 degrees northeast of the magazines on the coffee table as i am. lol

he has also helped me to bringdown my fear of germs a notch. according to his logic, exposing ourselves to germs helps our bodies build up natural antibodies. sounds like he's selling snake oil to me but since he is a pharmD that does medical research i guess i'll buy it. i told him if i die of some weird ass disease i want "thanks a lot asshole!!!!" <--with the appropriate amount of exclamation points etched in to my tombstone!

3. i mostly type and write in lower case letters. no, it is not just my bad grammar and lord knows i need a lot of help with that!

as much as i'd love to pass it off as an attempt to emulate the author e.e. cummings, for some reason capital letters make me uneasy. my therapist feels like it has something to do with self esteem. i will never, never, never, capitalize the word "i"

4. i refuse to eat at Wendy's solely based on the fact that they serve square hamburgers. i've never eaten any of their food but in my america, hamburgers are round damn it!

5. i can not grow facial hair. believe me i've tried. we won't shame ourselves by dwelling on the handful of sad little chin hairs that showed up for duty when i tried to grow a goatee once. moving on...

6. i can never just sit down and watch tv. i always have to be doing something else; internet, writing, chatting, reading a book...i have the shortest attention span and television doesn't seem to be enough to hold it.

7. i can not deal with open closet doors.

8. i can't sleep without the fan on. even if it is 20 degrees below zero (which it never is in Austin!)

9. i shower every night before i go to bed and every morning when i wake up.

10. i don't eat anything that's white.

and the coup de grâce...

11. ok, this is my biggest and weirdest quirk. i don't share this with a lot of people but the sight of wet bread freaks me out!!!!! not that i am afraid of it or anything. it's hard to explain but it literally makes me physically weak in the knees and queasy. you know that weird fluttery feeling you get when you are driving in a car and you go too fast down a steep hill? well that's what happens to me. one day Kc came in the kitchen and found me passed out on the floor. (yep, it's that serious! i know!) he has always put up with my many oddities, never complained or gotten upset or exasperated with me,but knowing that a soggy piece of leftover sandwich in the kitchen sink made me fall out, that actually raised an eyebrow lol.

omg i can't believe i typed and will eventually publish that!

so now that i have shared my quirks with you, i would be interested to know what funny, interesting, or bizarre quirks you readers (if anybody actually reads this)have to share with me.

P is for "Pets"

currently we have the pleasure of living with three dogs; Modi, Matilda, and Mocha who make our lives interesting!

i've always loved animals and as soon as we moved away from my "grandparent"'s house, we had lots and lots of pets. my parents are very big in to animal rescue.

i got my first dog of my very own, a now 6 year old black pug named Modi, last year in may right before i graduated college. my mom and i had gotten to know a lady at our favorite coffee shop who sadly was losing her battle with cancer and needed to find a good loving home for her dog.
we had just recently lost our family dog to old age and it was pretty hard on us all but my mom especially was pretty devastated. she has always had a fondness for Neapolitan Mastiffs and with some luck we were able to find her another. while she was waiting for her puppy to arrive, i guess she was still feeling a little bit of the loss and so she decided that she would adopt Modi as well.

i went with her to pick him up from our friend and somewhere between there and petsmart he and i formed a very strong bond. he never went home with my mom that day. lol and he has been my lil' buddy ever since. it's amazing how much he seems to be in tuned with my emotions. before when it was just me and him, if i was having a really crappy day or lying in bed crying he would come lay with me and it always made me feel better to have him there.

in comes the new boyfriend and the new dog...

Matilda is a 3 year old mastiff that is 170 lbs of lump! she is the most lovable loaf i have ever met and is so kind and gentle you almost forget how big she really is! she goes nowhere fast and likes to spend most of her day catching z's on the living room couch. my partner Kc adopted her when she was a puppy from the humane society when she was turned in by her breeder. somehow when she was a baby she lost a toe and the breeder i guess had a hard time selling her and eventually decided to cut their losses and dumped her at the shelter. Modi and Matilda are quite a pair! lucky for us they got along right from the beginning and are pretty much inseparable! we like to joke and say that Modi likes big beautiful women! :)

our third and most recent addition is a long coat chihuahua that we decided to call Mochaccino (Mocha) in keeping with the whole "M" theme lol. we are not quite sure how old she is, but our veterinarian estimated her to be between 5-7 years old, which i guess is still kinda young in chihuahua years. Kc and i had just moved in to our new home. i had a break from work and we were trying to get me out of the house so we planned a day of running errands. as we were leaving Target, there was a small crowd outside of the store pointing at some car speeding off. normally i try to avoid strangers and drama, but we heard someone say "omg i can't believe they just dumped this puppy here and left!" and of course the bf and i couldn't walk away. so we went over to have a look and our hearts melted. the poor little thing looked so sickly! you could smell the infection on her and she had some sort of gooey stuff all over her bottom and back legs. there was some short debate as to what to do for her. should someone take her to the animal shelter or try and see if a nearby vet would take her and help her? in the end Kc and i decided that we would take her to our pet's doctor and kind of go from there.

when we got there the girls at the front desk took one look at her and said she needed help right away! after a few minutes, our doctor called us in and told us that she was pretty sure she had what was called a pyometra and that she needed to have surgery to remove the infected uterus. we didn't even need to talk it over. we told her to do whatever was necessary to save her. in the process, our doctor performed an ultrasound to confirm the diagnosis and also some blood work which included a heartworm test. i didn't know it at the time but our vet had called Kc to tell him that our poor little strayling was also heartworm positive and that this could complicate the surgery. he told her to proceed but didn't tell me until afterwards because he knew i would completely freak out with worry! i'm happy to say that she made it through successfully and after a few days care in the hospital, we brought her home with us. :) she is now a happy healthy little dog and next month she will undergo heartworm treatment. she is definitely not the quiet, sickly little pup we found lying in a box in the Target parking lot. she is now Mocha, chihuahua warroir! and all the backyard squirrels are shaking in their boots!

O is for "Onward"

so we are halfway through the alphabet and by now i'm sure you are well aware that i am an oddball. also a very good "O" word.

i've opened myself up a little bit with each post and for the most part i feel like it has been very positive. i thank you all from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read this blog and responding here and on my facebook page in a way that has been most encouraging.

so where do we go from here?...onward.
i dropped out of therapy about a month or so ago (i'm really bad with time) idk i was having my medication changed yet again and i kind of flipped out for a while and really just wanted to be left alone. being able to put my thoughts down has been better than therapy though. being able to hear responses, good or bad, has been more helpful than getting the same old "blah blah blah, you have to attend group and do the dialectical behavior therapy blah blah blah..." from Dr.B
i know that i am now beyond the point of going to my regular therapy with Dr. N and so starting next week i will be returning to out-patient and trying my hardest to quiet the static inside my brain.

i think this is a step in the right direction since i feel strong in the fact that i have the loving support of my family, my partner, and my friends. i will apologize in advance for any future rantings as group makes me nutty! o_@ there is a lot of focus on time and learning to accept time, keeping to a schedule, and completing exercises in a timely matter. all shit that makes my brain rrrawrr! lol but i've been doing well with keeping a job and good attendance so i guess i'm up for the challenge.

wish me luck!

N is for "NatalieDee"

I LOVE NATALIE DEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

omg did i just type that in all caps? :0 NatalieDee is a web comic written by Natalie Dee. it doesn't really follow any plot so to speak, like she's not fighting crime or anything, but they sort of illustrate anecdotal and freakin' hilarious situations from every day life.

you can often find me posting snippets of Natalie Dee comics as banners on my facebook page.

oh Natalie Dee, you say everything i've always wanted to say...

Natalie Dee also contributes to other web comics and musings such as Married to the Sea and Superpoop along with her husband, artist/musician, Drew Fairweather who has various comics and projects of his own (Crudbump, Toothpaste for Dinner, Kompressor, and Francetucky)

you can check out more of Natalie Dee's witticisms at:

Natalie Dee-America's Favorite Cracker

M is for "Macaroni and Merlot"

lol, they can't all be gems. :P

last night i spent a wonderful evening with the better half enjoying a fabulous meal of macaroni and merlot. baked macaroni (or as i like to call it, "fluffy" macaroni) is one of my absolute favorite comfort foods and so i thought i'd share some great macaroni recipes with you :)

BAKED MACARONI AND CHEESE

1 1/2 cups macaroni, cooked
2 cups thin white sauce (see below)
2 tsp. grated onion
1/2 pound grated cheese
fine buttered bread crumbs
paprika

Preheat oven to 400°F. Cook and drain macaroni and place in a buttered 1 1/2 quart casserole. Blend onion and cheese with white sauce and pour over cooked macaroni.

Sprinkle with buttered crumbs and paprika. Bake uncovered in preheated oven for 30-35 minutes.

THIN WHITE SAUCE:

1 tbsp. butter
1 tbsp. flour
1 cup whole milk (we like ours a little sweet so we substitute with 14 oz can of condensed milk and 1/4 cup of 2% milk)
1/4 tsp. salt

Melt butter at 200-212°F in saucepan, microwave or double boiler.

Add flour to butter and whisk well to blend. Gradually stir in milk, whisking constantly until smooth. Allow to cook over medium-low heat until sauce simmers and thickens to desired consistency. Add salt, to taste. If you prefer a richer sauce, use 2 tbsp. flour and 2 tbsp. butter.

Serves 4 or 5.

there is also an equally delicious and healthier version for all my vegan friends:

Best Vegan Mac and Cheese in the entire world...seriously

Ingredients

1 1/2 pounds pasta, preferably macaroni

"Cheese" Sauce:
1 1/2 cups unsweetened nondairy milk
1 1/2 cups nutritional yeast
1 cup canola or vegetable oil
1 cup water
1/3 cup tamari or soy sauce
1/4 (12 ounce) block firm (not silken) tofu
1 tablespoon garlic powder
1 tablespoon paprika
1 tablespoon vegesal or in lack of fancy product, just use salt
1 dollop mustard, optional

optional topping: vegan bread crumbs. take 3 or 4 slices of your favorite vegan bread. you can either lightly toast them or let them stand out on your counter in open air for about 30-45 minutes. after that, put them in your food processor and finely chop. voila! sprinkle over your mac and "cheese" prior to baking.

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Boil water in a big pot and cook pasta according to package directions.

2. Add all of the "cheese" sauce ingredients in a blender and process until smooth. Once pasta is cooked, drain and put it in the baking pan (about the size of a brownie pan). Pour the "cheese" sauce over the pasta.

3. Bake until the top of the pasta looks slightly browned and crispy, about 15 minutes.

This is very simple and tastes amazing! If you are cooking for yourself, it will last about 5 days if you eat it for all three meals of the day.

L is for "Letting you in" (a little at a time)

i admit, i am a difficult person to get to know. i have a hard time letting people in to my life because i don't feel like i relate a lot of times. i've always sworn that i am an alien placed on this earth as a scientific experiment or a colossal joke. i haven't decided which.

so, who am i? well, idk i guess i'm not really the best person to ask that question as my self view is not the greatest and i've been called many different things by many different people.

there are certain aspects of my life that i have kept to myself because i am unsure how they will effect what i already feel may be other's perceptions of me. :/

one of the things that came in to question before was how i make a living. i've never really elaborated on that because i have found that no matter what, people will always find a reason to judge you.

i was actually told once that it was assumed that i looked down on people because i have been to the opera, i chose to attend a charity event that was a black tie affair (as apposed to say volunteering in a soup kitchen), didn't work for long periods of time but still managed to own my own home and drive a nice car... i say assumed because never have i ever put out that vibe or said or done anything to that effect. it was just decided for me that is the way that i was. i suppose in that person's incredibly fucked up mind it was another way to point a finger at me. but it kind of got me to thinking...how would your perceptions of me change if you knew my financial background? or if you knew that i am the kid of two people who are the children and grand children of other people who invented things or owned things? would your expectations of me change?

or would you be surprised to know that i am a 25 year old man whose parents still have legal guardianship over him because i am not considered "stable" enough to make adult decisions. that i don't have my own bank account because i am erratic, compulsive, and impulsive and cannot be trusted with money. it's seriously sad that there is this elaborate system devised for me to have funds. :l

i am so envious of those who are able to share every part of their lives. i wish i had the confidence for that and believe me, i am trying. this post for me is huge, HUGE! and as soon as i hit publish, i'm going to go hide for a while.

K is for "Keeping Austin Weird"

"Keep Austin Weird" is not just some catchy slogan, it's a way of life. although as to whom said it first is a topic of debate, the slogan was adopted by the Austin Independent Business Alliance as a way to promote small business in Austin and well, it kind of ran from there!

i've said it before and i'll say it again, Austin, TX is a planet unto itself. possibly the thing that makes this city so wonderful, is that is such a rich mixture of ideals coming together to make us who we are.

"Families, kids, professors, students, immigrants, politicians, musicians, state employees, high-tech workers, a large gay community and hippies are living in this city and all of them are sharing the mentality of the slogan “Keep Austin Weird“, this slogan refers to the eclectic and liberal lifestyle of many Austin residents"

Oat Willie's

Oat Willie's has been an Austin institution for over 40 years.

"Owners Doug and Judy Brown of the iconic Austin smoke shop, Oat Willie’s, know a thing or two about Austin, its history, and the way things have worked here over the years. 'We consider this store a cross between a smoke shop and an old-fashioned general store,” says Judy, gushing grandmother to two little boys. “We carry beautiful Tiffany-like lamps; Indian batiked and inked bedspreads; books, boxes and cards; and flowing bohemian clothes,'she says proudly." -excerpt taken from AIBA interview. you can read more of this interview by going to the AIBA website at http://www.ibuyaustin.com/

SoCo-South Congress Avenue

looking at it now, it may be hard to believe that not so many years ago, this vibrant and creative neighborhood was a place where businesses had slumped and a couple of seedy little motels rented rooms by the hour. it's come a long way baby!

i am a native Austinite and not only is this my favorite part of town, but south Austin is a place where i call home. yeah, yeah so we have great Tex-Mex an out of this world music scene, the infamous 6th street and a large bar district but the best part is this eccentric, vintage and wonderful side of town called SoCo with excellent food, clothing, furniture, and you name it randomness!

Eeyor's Birthday Party

Eeyor's Birthday party began in 1963 as a spring party and picnic for students at UT Austin. it was named for Eeyor the lovably, forlorn donkey from the Winnie the Pooh stories by A.A. Miline who in one story believes that his friends have forgotten his birthday only to discover that they have planned a surprise birthday party for him. today, it is a large event held in Austin's Pease Park to benefit local non-profit organizations and yeah, it's kind of weird! locals come out to celebrate this day-long festival and are highly encouraged to dress in costume and enjoy and participate in the festivities. my favorite is the drum circle where you can freestyle dance or play along. there are costume contests, food, games, local musicians (or bring your own non-amplified musical instrument) and lots fun!

Casa Neverlandia

"imagine for a minute if Peter Pan were an architect and Dr. Suess were an interior designer and artist and that the built a home together...this is how i believe their home would look!" that is just one of the many quotes used to describe this wonderful whimsical home.

Casa Neverlandia has been featured in many forms of media such as Plant Green's: World's Greenest Homes, This Old House: World's Wildest Houses, and Natural Home and Garden.

First Thursday

first thursday is a popular monthly event that takes place along South Congress Avenue, generally from Barton Springs Road to Elizabeth Street. it is basically like one big block party, and it is perfect for all ages. on the first thursday of each month, all of the stores along South Congress that normally close early stay open late. first thursday is a smorgasbord of local flavor featuring music, artists, performers, food, drinks and lots of fun! if you are planing on visiting our fair city, this event is a great way to introduce yourself to Austin and all of it's wonderful weirdness.

Toy Joy!

ok, it is no secret that i am a giant child trapped in a man's body! i loooooove Toy Joy!! (hmm...maybe i should add some more "o"'s and exclamation points) this is a great place for kids of all ages to browse, play with, and collect the things that make them smile.

umm...i'm not a big pusher of the whole "you should get high and go do this..." thing, but some of my best...er...memories are of getting puffed with my older sister, before she got all mom and responsible-like, and turning ourselves loose inside the store. bouncing on the inflatable ponies, playing with smurfs, eating candy, and rolling around on the floor giggling like 5 year olds :P

last but not least... Keep Austin Weird Festival and 5k Run think of this festival as the ultimate toast to Austin, a toast to hospitality, fun and a sense of community. the 5k run helps raise funds for the Austin Parks Foundation and there is plenty of fun shenanigans for anyone in attendance.

J...it must be Jelly cause Jam don't shake like that! (women's body image in the media)

i decided to write this blog article because many of my best friends are women, most of the people i interact with are women, i have two sisters, and i guess you can say i am surrounded by women!

i often hear the women in my life make little cracks about their weight, their height, their hair, or their overall general appearance and i wonder to myself if they know just how beautiful they really are?

then i see all of the commercials, celebrities, and magazine ads imposing these standards of "beauty"on women and the reality becomes clear.

the thing that disturbs me most is that for the most part, the media images of female "beauty" are unattainable for all but a very small number of women.

in reality, many women are curvy, some have grey hairs, some are are short, have wrinkles or stretch marks but does that not make them beautiful?

when did this become the ideal body?

the bizarre thing, is that if we saw a dog this skinny we would not think it was appropriate. so why do our women want this for themselves?

every day in the media, women are subjected to images suggesting that if they just took this pill and lost 20 lbs they would be thinner and happier, if they would only buy this cream their skin would be smoother and wrinkle free and they would be happier, if they buy these clothes, this lipstick, this hair care product then they would be...happier. :/

some startling statistics about female body image:

1. The average American woman is 5’4” tall and weighs 140 pounds. The average American model is 5’11” tall and weighs 117 pounds.

2. The average size of the “ideal” woman, as portrayed by models, has become progressively thinner over the years and has stabilized at around 20% below the average weight. This thin ideal is unachievable for most women. A 1995 study found that three minutes spent looking at models in a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty, and ashamed.

3. It is estimated that 40-50% of American women are trying to lose weight at any point in time.

4. One out of every four college aged women has an eating disorder.

5. Almost half of all women smokers smoke because they see it as the best way to control their weight. Of these women, 25% will die of a disease caused by smoking.

6. At age thirteen, 53% of American girls are “unhappy with their bodies.” This grows to 78% by the time girls reach seventeen.

7. In a sample of male and female high school students, girls had higher body dissatisfaction scores than boys on all measures. Girls reported magazines as their primary source of information regarding diet and health. Boys reported their parents as their primary source of information. These are the typical messages girls can expect to get from women's magazines.

8. A majority of girls in a 1999 study (59 percent) reported dissatisfaction with their body shape, and 66 percent expressed a desire to lose weight. Only 29 percent of the girls were overweight.

9. At 5’9” tall and weighing 110 lbs, Barbie would have a BMI of 16.24 which is considered severely underweight. Because of her ridiculous proportions (39” bust, 18” waist, 33” thighs and a size 3 shoes!), if she was a real woman, she wouldn’t be able to walk upright – she would have to walk on all fours. Note that the target market for Barbie Doll sales are girls ages 3 to 12.

10. Nearly 11.7 million cosmetic surgical and nonsurgical procedures were performed in the United States in 2007. Women had nearly 10.6 million cosmetic procedures, 91% percent of the total

even sadder still is that even our images of perfection are not so perfect:

Love Your Curves! i've always been a fan of women who were shaped like Marilyn Monroe. she was drop dead gorgeous and wore a size 16 jeans! who would have thought that a woman so beautiful and confident could be rockin' the double digits? it's all in how you feel about you :)

Real Women Have Curves

© By Anonymous
Real women have curves, wrinkles, and flaws.
Each one earned with experience, perseverance and determination.
There's no computer to airbrush your mistakes.
Let them make you who you are.
Love every mark, every scar,

every extra curve you wished to go away, Accept what you can't learn to love,

Then let go of what you can't accept.
Treasure them for their memories
Like a worn love letter or ratty old quilt from generations of old.
Each wrinkle comes with the wisdom only years of life can give.
And life is not to be hidden or covered up.
For life is how a girl grows into a woman
And real women have curves.

I is for "I sit on this wall and wait for you whoever you are, where ever you may be..."

"...I've been siting on this wall since I was 17 years old just waiting for you, just praying for you whoever you are where ever you may be to find me. I will sit on this wall for the rest of my life if need be"

for the longest time all i could remember about the one thing i always wanted in this world was love.

i will point out here that i have been blessed with two loving and supportive parents and two wonderful sisters. but when i say "love", i mean love in the relationship sense.

i certainly don't feel like i have many demands when it comes to relationships. in fact all that i ask is patience and to be loved in return.

i'm not sure why those needs have been so hard to fulfill, so difficult to achieve. but it seems that it has taken me all of my life to finally find someone who i can say really, truly loves me.

until now, i was feeling extremely discouraged that it was never gonna happen for me. i have had three major relationships in my life and all of them went to complete shit.

the first, i have to admit was merely a relationship of convenience. i was a young, hormonal, teenage boy who up until my junior year in high school (because of the circumstances in my life and my sexual confusion) had never had a sexual experience. it's kind of embarrassing to admit that but there it is. i met a girl (yup, i said a girl) and well as i've said before in my memoirs, i used her in a way that a young, hormonal, teenage boy would. it wasn't all sex, but mostly it was. i loved her but was not "in love" with her. we did have a lot of fun together, but it wasn't enough to build a relationship on. i had to finally come to terms with the fact that i was a gay man and so i told her. it broke her heart at the time, but eventually she forgave me and to this day we have a wonderful friendship, that i would not trade for anything in the world.

the second was my first same sex relationship. again, not really an experience that i could call love. not many people know this about me, but back in the day i used to be a scene model . it was a pretty interesting time in my life and i got to travel all over the world. during my travels i met a boy.

ahhh...he made me weak in the knees. but unfortunately, he was so heavily in to drugs and alcohol that our time together was nothing but one chaotic train wreck after another. i had never been in love before, so i did not understand that love was not the death of one's self. and here is another embarrassing admission, we did not have a sexual relationship. at first i was incredibly attracted to him but as time went on, every day i lost a little piece of me until i felt nothing. i was so tired. the day i finally decided to end it, i came home from a job, drew a bath, slit my wrists, got in, and laid down for a long and endless sleep. again, i pulled through. it took a long time, but we were actually finally able to make amends about a month ago. we are both

in far different stages in our lives. he is sober now and has been for almost a year and i can honestly say that he is a far better person for it. :) i can't say that we are "friends" now, but we can actually hang out and have a laugh and put that time in our lives behind us.

my third and possibly hardest relationship was with a guy i met online. we still have quite a few mutual friends, so if you are a mutual friends and you don't really want to hear this part you can skip over it now......

however, i do feel the need to finally get this out of my system. i feel like there are some things i have to put to rest and i find that it has been most helpful for me to get things out of my head. as i've said before, getting things out gives me the ability to clear away the things that are troubling me. lets me put them in a box and tuck them away on a shelf in the back of my mind to collect dust and trouble me no more. and so i shall go on.

i can't say at first what attracted me to him. there was this certain something, this je ne sais quoi that i will never be able to quite put my finger on, but i fell and i fell hard.

i know that he says that i never really loved him but i loved him with all of my heart and soul and never missed a moment to tell him as well as any and everybody that would listen. we had a very strange relationship. he found me at a time when i had just spent almost two years alone wallowing in my own misery and wondering why i continued to go on and i found him at a time when he was himself going through a tough time. we both needed something and someone and i think we both thought we had found it in each other (idk i can only tell the story from my own perspective)

in public, we were disgustingly in love, in private, we fought like mad. so many things went wrong in that relationship. i know he still blames me for a lot of things that happened, and does not take responsibility for his part even though he likes to think that saying "i know i wasn't perfect" and leaving it at that is taking responsibility. we have very different views on what happened between us but i guess at this point, i'm ok with that. my therapist says that there are just some folks in this world that need to be the "victim". so i'm not going to fight about it or struggle with the need to have my side heard. you will feel about it how you will feel about it.

what i won't sit here and do is pretend that it was all bad.

do i think that he loved me? yes, at some point, but i also think he stopped loving me long before he stopped loving me. i tried with all i could to make things work, because for the first time i thought that i felt true love.

there came a point after it all where i thought we could both be mature about the whole thing and that finding some closure would be good for us both. he had actually contacted me a couple of times via yahoo, and i thought we had some nice conversations. i tried to go back and apologize for the way things went down. tell him that i was sorry for the way things ended and that even though things went to hell between us that in some odd way i still loved him. i'm definitely not "in love" with him but he was a part of my life and someone that despite the hurt that i felt, i still cared for. i made a promise that i would always be there for him no matter what. and i tried to keep that promise. it went badly. idk what i did or said wrong but the response was...well i'll be honest, it was a little fucked up.

anyway, i tried and now it's time to put this baby to rest. good-bye.

finally.

on January 1, 2011 my life was changed forever.

stop hatin' on my love bitches! lol

i met my partner Kevin Christopher (Kc) on January 1, 2011. yup, we have been together a whopping four months!!

i was just getting out of a really bad relationship, and the ex and i were still fighting and having a go at each other, it was pretty...well now that i can look at it from a different perspective, it was pretty fucking childish. i could go on and on about the he said/ he said shyte up there but i'm in a good place these days and i kind of feel like all that drama doesn't even matter now.

i wanted to spend my new year's eve alone but my friends had other plans. i know i write a lot about my solitude, but i really do have a small and fabulous group of "real life" chums who i enjoy hanging out with. having fun that night really lifted me out of my funk, so i decided it was time to go out on the town and shake what my mama gave me! (ok not really, but i did manage to scrape myself out of my jammies and leave the house :P)

one of my besties, Lauren, invited me to go out for drinks that night. no biggie right?...wrrrrong! i started to get a little suspicious when she said that we would be hooking up at the bar with a mutual friend and that they would be brining a friend of their's along. hrrrrm...super fishy eh?

when we got to there surprise, surprise, it was all "Brandon this is Kc, Kc this is Brandon" tee hee! and i was having none of it!

ok so yeah he was totally cock into a rock gorgeous!!!! :0 oh mah garsh! but i made it perfectly clear to everyone that i was not on the market so they could all kiss my ass LOL.

after that little tantrum, we had a blast! just being able to relax and have a good time without the pressures of being on a "fix up" was probably the best thing that could have happened. i was able to open up a little and show my smart ass dorky side instead of being all self-conscious and panicky like i normally would have. at the end of the night, we all said our good-byes and i really didn't think much more about it.

a few days later, i was at work sitting at my desk vibrating :0 some how, some way, that little stinker got my phone number and he sent me a text asking me if i would like to go grab a bite to eat. completely out of character, i said "yes". i was sitting there thinking "well Brandon, you can go home and hang out with the dog, cry your eyes out and eat ravioli from the can, or you can suck it up and go have dinner with a gorgeous man, why the hell not?" and so i went.

damn, he was charming. *blush*

so over time we started hanging out more, going to the movies, having dinner, meeting for lunch, but i still kept insisting those were not dates! we were just two guys hanging out. period.

and then i fell...

from someone whose daily life is filled with a roller coaster of emotions, i will say that it is completely undoing, to be deeply in love with someone and simultaneously dislike that person. to feel such a desire to cling while having your heart stomped on and torn to pieces, is not an experience i highly recommend :/

so i was having one of y very dark days. i cried and i cried and i cried and when i was done, i cried some more. later that afternoon, i heard a knock on my door and who should it be?

kace (my little pet name) was standing there with my favorite food in hand coming to surprise me with lunch. he was absolutely wonderful! he didn't freak out or get uncomfortable, he just held me and let me cry stroked my hair and kissed me very gently on the forehead. when i felt like i had gotten it all out, he wiped my tears away and made me dinner while i got myself together. we spent the evening just like that. having dinner, watching a movie, him caring for me, and me being gobsmackered that i could be someone that somebody could care for.

after that, we started seeing more of each other, which lead to spending more nights together. *blush* one weekend i ended up dog sitting for him while he went out of town to visit his folks and when he came home, he and Matilda never left ♥

have i already mentioned he is a wonderful man? lol he is warm and kind and loving, and more understanding than sometimes i feel i deserve. everyday since January first, i count myself lucky to have someone in my life now who smothers me with positivity :)

i always kind of figured after my first few relationships that i would end up alone. and then he came along. and he doesn't just accept my weirdness, and my issues, and all that comes with it, he actually loves and appreciates me for all of my oddities. he always tells me that if i were easy, i would be boring and that makes me smile like no one has ever made me smile before. :) it's nice to have someone who gets that the way to help you out of a funk is to give you a sense of self worth instead of walking away from you like you're some kind of maniac

H "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now" (no, no, this isn't more sad crap about my life)

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now is a quirky little book by one of my favorite authors, Andre Jordan.

i have to admit, that i ,like many others, probably originally picked this book up because the title is also the title to a song by one of my favorite bands; The Smiths (wiki link). there aren't any references to the band in it beyond the title, and you definitely don't have to be a Smiths fan to enjoy this book!

once i opened it and started reading through, i was pleasantly surprised.

the book chronicles author Andre Jordan's, struggles through depression with drawings that illustrate little moments, situations, and emotions that he was dealing with at the time. i love, love, loved this book! Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now made me laugh, smile and tear up because i could seriously relate to a lot of what he was saying. most of all, I loved it because it's a perfect example of how art can be used to create a meaning for even the bleakest moments of our lives.

synopsis from the publisher: Life can be shit. Love can be shit. Whatever has happened to you, whatever will happen to you, whatever might happen to you, whatever hasn't happened to you,

well . . . you're not alone. Andre Jordan's drawings and prose are culled from a life of heartache and unrequited love. Simple, sad, clever, and darkly hilarious, they tell of both dismal places and hopeful realizations.

if you would like to find out about more about Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now or other Andre Jordan books you can go to his page on Amazon.com

G is for "Gay"

well what in the heck did you think it was going to be for, "giraffe"?

as many gay men and women will tell you, i haven't always been comfortable with my sexuality. i've always sort of known i was different, but i struggled a lot with that because i was raised in a very abusive, catholic, extremist home by my father's parents.

i was made to suffer greatly for being "queer like my uncle Michael" who passed away before i was born.

it wasn't until many years later when i was a grown man that i learned that Michael was also tortured for his sexuality and committed suicide. but i pulled through. for a while there i didn't really consider myself anything. it was just easier that way. but over the years i have come to accept who i am and i feel, dare i say, liberated!

in this day and age of Jerry Springer, all kinds of crazy reality shows, sex tapes, and umm...Charlie Sheen, you would think that people would be SO over the "gay" thing. yet, i still find myself dealing with the "hate" and having to defend my rights as a human being. and i AM a human being. gay is not a species!

lets face it, if you want to get down to the dirty dirty it's really about what hole i choose to put my dick in. yeah, i said it!

before i met my partner, i had never even entertained the idea of marriage. i wholeheartedly supported the notion that anyone who so wanted to be ball and chained should have at it, but it wasn't for me! now that i am getting older and a bit more mature (stop laughing!) i can actually see getting married as a commitment i would like to make.

gay marriage is definitely a hot button topic. sadly, i have had to remove a few people from my life because of it. i generally try to avoid conflict, but i cannot sit quietly by while someone tells me that my wanting to settle down with one partner, have a home and a life together is "ok" as long as god forbid, we don't want to get married! because "GOD SAYS IT'S WRONG".

*sigh* fine. if you don't support gay marriage, i am a very open and intelligent person who is willing to have a civil conversation with you about it, but if you come at me wearing cotton and denim or a rayon/ polyester blend (reference to Leviticus 19:19..."do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material") DO NOT tell me that the reason why gays should not be married is because it is in the bible!! at least be HONEST and tell me that you personally have a problem with it because you think it's strange, or weird, or you don't understand it. at least then i could respect you for that because have you seen some of the things that are written in the bible?? why is it that everything else in there is open to the evolution of modern times except this?

if you are so damn concerned about following the bible to the letter, then why are people out there having sex without being married?!?!? why isn't anybody out there VOTING on that?!?

ugh, ya'll make my as hurt.

but of course, there is the positive. i've recently become involved in supporting the "It Gets Better" project. the IGB project, is a campaign for LGBT teens who feel, alone, outcast, bullied, and abused for simply being who they are...gay. it is a place for inspirational videos, literature, and recourses to help those who feel like they have no where else to turn.

with love, encouragement, and support it lets young LGBT know that there is a future, and yeah, it does get better! :)

a video message from Dan and Terry, creators of the It Gets Better project

F is for "Facebook"

i wonder how many other people are doing facebook for "F" today?

facebook, or should i say "crackbook" is an online social network that allows people from all over the world to ...well, socialize! you can play games, chat, share your accomplishments, struggles, and even your recipes.

facebook is a crazy place. we laugh together, cry, fight, and omg the DRAMA!!! :0 i only spent the last year and a half of my high school years in an actual public school, but i imagine that this is what it would have been like.

to me facebook has been a blessing and a curse :/

for many reasons, i do not interact with a lot of people in a way that most would call "normal".

i count myself among the fortunate to have real life friends and family that i do spend time with but unfortunately, my emotional instability makes it difficult for me to spend lots of time out in public.

imagine how embarrassing it would be to be out buying something as simple as sheets and start bawling uncontrollably in Bed Bath & Beyond or to be at Home Depot trying to buy a screw to fix the damn cabinet handle in your bathroom and become so overwhelmed by the choices that you have a panic attack and have to go sit in your car for an hour. that is my life.

although most people who have gotten to know me through facebook would not know it, i am also painfully shy. i have a hard time expressing my thoughts verbally and so sometimes you will gets moments of insightful conversation and others it will be verbal tourrete's about my penis! lol :P

facebook gives me the opportunity to "be with" people, share, have fun, and be social without the stress of having them know that even though at the time i am typing something humorous or smart ass, in actuality i may be sitting there sobbing my darn fool head off.

i've met a lot of people from all over the world and all walks of life through facebook. made friends, lost friends, fell in and out of love....

almost like real life.

E is for "Etsy"

ok, ok you forced me to admit that i am a HUGE Etsy addict!

Etsy is an online community that allows lovers of unique handcrafted items to connect with makers of unique handcrafted items. there are literally thousands of wonderful items to be had and i have been know to spend hours upon hours scouring their website!

some of my favorite places on Etsy to shop are:

Stardust Soaps

i bought this wonderful smelling Buddha soap there and it only cost $4.00! i haven't had the heart to use it yet, so he just sits on my bathroom sink smiling blessing me each morning :)

Rollover Leatherworks

Rollover Leatherworks sells custom leather pet collars and belts. i have purchased 2 or 3 collars from them and thus far have been very pleased. their collars are a little on the higher end side with collars running about $37-$40 dollars on average but they are very well made and can also be great gifts for pet lovers!

One Gear Clothing

for anyone who truly knows me you will know that i am a bike riding enthusiast! i don't ride professionally or anything because let's face it, my balls were really not created with bicycle shorts in mind ;) lol but i do love hitting the trails here in Austin, and i have ridden in a few charity cycling events. i was given a t-shirt from one gear clothing as a gift and i loved it!! so i had to go back for more. i'm up to 11 of their hand silk screened shirts now and i LOVE that the shipping is only $2.99 no matter how many t-shirts i order at a time. sweet! :)

content from Etsy.com, One Gear Clothing, Stardust Soaps, and Rollover Leatherworks. i am in no way affiliated with the businesses nor is this a paid advertisement. i just love their stuff!