R is for Religion...

religion has always been a tough subject for me to talk about.

i think that religion is something very personal; you can either choose to share the experience with others (church, witnessing, prayer groups etc...) or you can choose to be a solo spiritualist.

i chose the topic of religion because this past sunday i, for the first time in over 10 years, stepped foot inside a church to attend Easter mass.

if you took the time to read my facebook notes, you will understand why i have such a hard time with the whole concept of organized religion. if you haven't, to summarize, i grew up with in a household run by catholic-extremist "grandparents. i endured daily physical, mental, and verbal abuse pretty much from the time i was about 3 or 4 years old 'til about the time i turned 8; snapped and ended up in a group home until i was about 13. if you'd like to read about it, i finally transferred it all over in to my online journal, "enter the Pisces".

basically, religion was a form of punishment and for the longest time i had no beliefs in anything at all.

today i consider myself a solo spiritualist. i eventually came back to spirituality because i'm not ignorant to the fact that i have so many blessings in my life. i don't have any one belief system rather i take the parts that, to me, make sense (mostly from the Buddhist and Hindi teachings) and have tried to find some balance from there. whether it be God, the Godesses, santa, or an alien named Bob, i know there has to be some divine spirit out there. nobody can try to kill themselves as many times as i have, fail, and not have somebody watching over their shoulder.

this sunday's Easter vigil was kind of an eye opener for me. i went in somewhat negatively. not only did i have a very closed mind about what church was going to be like; i also went in with kind of this "in-your-face" attitude. i purposefully walked in holding the hand of my partner prepared to have to defend myself and almost daring anybody to say anything ugly. but they didn't. the people there were actually very nice, even after my parents introduced Kc and myself as a couple.

it was kind of hard going back and facing that demon but i'm glad i did. i actually started crying a little during the liturgy. i had my own reasons, but just another example of how nice people were, there was a lady behind me who reached over the pew to squeeze my hand. i suppose she thought i was moved by the sermon.

i'm not sure if i will ever make peace with organized christian religions. it is so difficult for me to wrap my head around the idea of basing the way that i think and live my life on a book that is so full of contradictions. not to be blasphemous, but i almost find the bible to be similar to the internet. you can find anything in there that can prove or disprove the exact same theory because it is so open to interpretation. anyway, i'm not here to prove or disprove anything.

after all of those years of having negative experiences with religion, i finally had a good one and all i wanted was to share that with you :)