T is for the ugly "Truth"

there is something about me that a lot of people don't know. even when i have friends who confide in me about this very same thing, i usually choose not to share.

my horrible secret is that i am a cutter, and the ugly truth is that i have been cutting again.

if you are unfortunate enough to have me as a facebook friend then you have already been forced to suffer through my weekly rants about how much i hate therapy. i know it seemed like a choice i made on my own but if i'm going to come completely clean then i must admit that it wasn't really my idea. several weeks ago ( it could have been 2 weeks, a week, one month) i found myself feeling really, really crushed because of something that happened. on the outside it seemed like i was dealing with it very well. i was able to move on and wash my hands of things. on the inside i was devastated. i don't handle rejection well. :/

people cut for different reasons, i think. some may do it for attention, some to punish themselves, others want to "feel" something when they are otherwise disassociated and numb. i don't know why i do it, but i'm addicted. when i get overwhelmed and stressed and don't know how else to express myself, it is like a release.

currently i am making my third attempt at Dialectical Behavior Therapy. mainly because i usually quit before i can complete it. ever since i can remember i have been in therapy in some form or another. because of the state of my mental health i probably always will. :/

What is dialectical behavior therapy? generally it is said to be the most effective form of therapy for people with borderline personality disorder. it's pretty intense and structured two of the things that i dislike the most.

i want to quit so bad. but i promised my partner and family that i would finish because it is the first step towards gaining my independence in the sense that i could try to get my guardianship dropped. all in all it's not really that bad. i agree that i could definitely use the distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and connecting skills. but some days i just don't want to deal with things. it seems like every freaking day of my life is consumed with this damn mental illness. T is also for "tired".