into the unknown

i feel so restless today :/ so much pain and anger and helplessness...and no where to turn at the moment so i'm here to vent and cry and bleed.
Tuesday will forever be the worst day of my life. not because of stupid shit that went down on facebook. in the grand scheme of things it means nothing to us now. June 21, 2011 is the day we were told my mom has breast cancer. i believe the technical term is invasive ductal carcinoma but it sounds so much more scarier when you say it like that.

My mom has been sick off and on for a long time now. looking back i think we all wish we were a lot more forceful in trying to get her to go see a doctor but it's too late now. My mom has always been in to holistic medicine so she would get to feeling really bad she would go to the holistic treatment center, get cleansed, take some vitamins, eat some damn roots or berries and drink some "special" water and she would actually look and feel better. So none of us pressed because we thought she was better and she would be back to her old self for a long time and i would think well maybe she just had like a bug or something ya' know? and then she got sick again and did the same thing, and got better again. That time i think my dad and i were a little more leery but she seemed to bounce back and recover, look so healthy that i think we were more willing to let it go than to believe that anything could be wrong with her.
She didn't tell us that there was pain until i guess it became so unbearable for her that she could no longer hide it :( she hurts in her arms and legs and all of her bones. My dad finally took her to the doctor and they have known for a week that she has masses in her breast and lymph nodes. They didn't tell us that they did a biopsy until they got the results and then on tuesday they finally told us what was happening with mom. i thought for some reason when we went over there for dinner that night that she was going to tell us that she had fibromyalgia. i don't know why i thought that. i guess because when kace and i were there for father's day she seemed so weak and painful that is what came to my mind. i never in my wildest dreams thought of cancer.

and now i just feel numb. today i went with her to the oncologist. we talked about her treatment plan and she is set to have a double mastectomy and radiation. but there are concerns. Her doctor had set up an MRI for her last week because he was concerned about her as well. that is tomorrow and they hope to have the results and a good prognosis for mom by the time she has her surgery next friday.
now i don't know what to do. all i could do today was tell her how much i loved her and try to be optimistic and brave. i just wanted to scream and cry but i couldn't because i had to hold it together for my little sister. i know she is so scared. we all are. if anything happens to my mom, i don't know how my dad will go on.
for the past day or so i have felt like any minute now i will wake up and this won't be real. i feel like a shell. i am so thankful at this moment for my partner because i don't know that i would have remembered to try to eat or that i would have made an effort to sleep.
i actually feel somewhat gathered in my thoughts now that i have actually written them out. i think maybe now i will go for a walk.