I is for "I sit on this wall and wait for you whoever you are, where ever you may be..."

"...I've been siting on this wall since I was 17 years old just waiting for you, just praying for you whoever you are where ever you may be to find me. I will sit on this wall for the rest of my life if need be"

for the longest time all i could remember about the one thing i always wanted in this world was love.

i will point out here that i have been blessed with two loving and supportive parents and two wonderful sisters. but when i say "love", i mean love in the relationship sense.

i certainly don't feel like i have many demands when it comes to relationships. in fact all that i ask is patience and to be loved in return.

i'm not sure why those needs have been so hard to fulfill, so difficult to achieve. but it seems that it has taken me all of my life to finally find someone who i can say really, truly loves me.

until now, i was feeling extremely discouraged that it was never gonna happen for me. i have had three major relationships in my life and all of them went to complete shit.

the first, i have to admit was merely a relationship of convenience. i was a young, hormonal, teenage boy who up until my junior year in high school (because of the circumstances in my life and my sexual confusion) had never had a sexual experience. it's kind of embarrassing to admit that but there it is. i met a girl (yup, i said a girl) and well as i've said before in my memoirs, i used her in a way that a young, hormonal, teenage boy would. it wasn't all sex, but mostly it was. i loved her but was not "in love" with her. we did have a lot of fun together, but it wasn't enough to build a relationship on. i had to finally come to terms with the fact that i was a gay man and so i told her. it broke her heart at the time, but eventually she forgave me and to this day we have a wonderful friendship, that i would not trade for anything in the world.

the second was my first same sex relationship. again, not really an experience that i could call love. not many people know this about me, but back in the day i used to be a scene model . it was a pretty interesting time in my life and i got to travel all over the world. during my travels i met a boy.

ahhh...he made me weak in the knees. but unfortunately, he was so heavily in to drugs and alcohol that our time together was nothing but one chaotic train wreck after another. i had never been in love before, so i did not understand that love was not the death of one's self. and here is another embarrassing admission, we did not have a sexual relationship. at first i was incredibly attracted to him but as time went on, every day i lost a little piece of me until i felt nothing. i was so tired. the day i finally decided to end it, i came home from a job, drew a bath, slit my wrists, got in, and laid down for a long and endless sleep. again, i pulled through. it took a long time, but we were actually finally able to make amends about a month ago. we are both

in far different stages in our lives. he is sober now and has been for almost a year and i can honestly say that he is a far better person for it. :) i can't say that we are "friends" now, but we can actually hang out and have a laugh and put that time in our lives behind us.

my third and possibly hardest relationship was with a guy i met online. we still have quite a few mutual friends, so if you are a mutual friends and you don't really want to hear this part you can skip over it now......

however, i do feel the need to finally get this out of my system. i feel like there are some things i have to put to rest and i find that it has been most helpful for me to get things out of my head. as i've said before, getting things out gives me the ability to clear away the things that are troubling me. lets me put them in a box and tuck them away on a shelf in the back of my mind to collect dust and trouble me no more. and so i shall go on.

i can't say at first what attracted me to him. there was this certain something, this je ne sais quoi that i will never be able to quite put my finger on, but i fell and i fell hard.

i know that he says that i never really loved him but i loved him with all of my heart and soul and never missed a moment to tell him as well as any and everybody that would listen. we had a very strange relationship. he found me at a time when i had just spent almost two years alone wallowing in my own misery and wondering why i continued to go on and i found him at a time when he was himself going through a tough time. we both needed something and someone and i think we both thought we had found it in each other (idk i can only tell the story from my own perspective)

in public, we were disgustingly in love, in private, we fought like mad. so many things went wrong in that relationship. i know he still blames me for a lot of things that happened, and does not take responsibility for his part even though he likes to think that saying "i know i wasn't perfect" and leaving it at that is taking responsibility. we have very different views on what happened between us but i guess at this point, i'm ok with that. my therapist says that there are just some folks in this world that need to be the "victim". so i'm not going to fight about it or struggle with the need to have my side heard. you will feel about it how you will feel about it.

what i won't sit here and do is pretend that it was all bad.

do i think that he loved me? yes, at some point, but i also think he stopped loving me long before he stopped loving me. i tried with all i could to make things work, because for the first time i thought that i felt true love.

there came a point after it all where i thought we could both be mature about the whole thing and that finding some closure would be good for us both. he had actually contacted me a couple of times via yahoo, and i thought we had some nice conversations. i tried to go back and apologize for the way things went down. tell him that i was sorry for the way things ended and that even though things went to hell between us that in some odd way i still loved him. i'm definitely not "in love" with him but he was a part of my life and someone that despite the hurt that i felt, i still cared for. i made a promise that i would always be there for him no matter what. and i tried to keep that promise. it went badly. idk what i did or said wrong but the response was...well i'll be honest, it was a little fucked up.

anyway, i tried and now it's time to put this baby to rest. good-bye.

finally.

on January 1, 2011 my life was changed forever.

stop hatin' on my love bitches! lol

i met my partner Kevin Christopher (Kc) on January 1, 2011. yup, we have been together a whopping four months!!

i was just getting out of a really bad relationship, and the ex and i were still fighting and having a go at each other, it was pretty...well now that i can look at it from a different perspective, it was pretty fucking childish. i could go on and on about the he said/ he said shyte up there but i'm in a good place these days and i kind of feel like all that drama doesn't even matter now.

i wanted to spend my new year's eve alone but my friends had other plans. i know i write a lot about my solitude, but i really do have a small and fabulous group of "real life" chums who i enjoy hanging out with. having fun that night really lifted me out of my funk, so i decided it was time to go out on the town and shake what my mama gave me! (ok not really, but i did manage to scrape myself out of my jammies and leave the house :P)

one of my besties, Lauren, invited me to go out for drinks that night. no biggie right?...wrrrrong! i started to get a little suspicious when she said that we would be hooking up at the bar with a mutual friend and that they would be brining a friend of their's along. hrrrrm...super fishy eh?

when we got to there surprise, surprise, it was all "Brandon this is Kc, Kc this is Brandon" tee hee! and i was having none of it!

ok so yeah he was totally cock into a rock gorgeous!!!! :0 oh mah garsh! but i made it perfectly clear to everyone that i was not on the market so they could all kiss my ass LOL.

after that little tantrum, we had a blast! just being able to relax and have a good time without the pressures of being on a "fix up" was probably the best thing that could have happened. i was able to open up a little and show my smart ass dorky side instead of being all self-conscious and panicky like i normally would have. at the end of the night, we all said our good-byes and i really didn't think much more about it.

a few days later, i was at work sitting at my desk vibrating :0 some how, some way, that little stinker got my phone number and he sent me a text asking me if i would like to go grab a bite to eat. completely out of character, i said "yes". i was sitting there thinking "well Brandon, you can go home and hang out with the dog, cry your eyes out and eat ravioli from the can, or you can suck it up and go have dinner with a gorgeous man, why the hell not?" and so i went.

damn, he was charming. *blush*

so over time we started hanging out more, going to the movies, having dinner, meeting for lunch, but i still kept insisting those were not dates! we were just two guys hanging out. period.

and then i fell...

from someone whose daily life is filled with a roller coaster of emotions, i will say that it is completely undoing, to be deeply in love with someone and simultaneously dislike that person. to feel such a desire to cling while having your heart stomped on and torn to pieces, is not an experience i highly recommend :/

so i was having one of y very dark days. i cried and i cried and i cried and when i was done, i cried some more. later that afternoon, i heard a knock on my door and who should it be?

kace (my little pet name) was standing there with my favorite food in hand coming to surprise me with lunch. he was absolutely wonderful! he didn't freak out or get uncomfortable, he just held me and let me cry stroked my hair and kissed me very gently on the forehead. when i felt like i had gotten it all out, he wiped my tears away and made me dinner while i got myself together. we spent the evening just like that. having dinner, watching a movie, him caring for me, and me being gobsmackered that i could be someone that somebody could care for.

after that, we started seeing more of each other, which lead to spending more nights together. *blush* one weekend i ended up dog sitting for him while he went out of town to visit his folks and when he came home, he and Matilda never left ♥

have i already mentioned he is a wonderful man? lol he is warm and kind and loving, and more understanding than sometimes i feel i deserve. everyday since January first, i count myself lucky to have someone in my life now who smothers me with positivity :)

i always kind of figured after my first few relationships that i would end up alone. and then he came along. and he doesn't just accept my weirdness, and my issues, and all that comes with it, he actually loves and appreciates me for all of my oddities. he always tells me that if i were easy, i would be boring and that makes me smile like no one has ever made me smile before. :) it's nice to have someone who gets that the way to help you out of a funk is to give you a sense of self worth instead of walking away from you like you're some kind of maniac